“How’s the search for your master’s programme going?” asked mom.
“Well the university in Canada is asking for a North American phone number so I sort of skipped that. I just finished applying to the one in London.”
“Keep looking for and applying to more, Sania.”
As mother advised me, my father, agreeing with mom, said: “You can’t just have a bachelor’s degree and be satisfied with it.
Need a master’s too in today’s world; our generation got away with that but surely yours can’t.”
This continued search for a university reflected what I wanted my future to look like. I was, well, I am young – I think I can do as I please.
On my laptop, I clicked a link to a university that may be the one I choose. At the same time, I heard from my mobile phone the wretched sound of a WhatsApp notification.
“Juveria’s parents just got her engaged!! OMG the wedding’s on Saturday!!” My friend was overly excited for this Juveria, who, for me was nothing more than a mere acquaintance I made in school.
“Good for her!” I replied. “Tell her congratulations from my side.”
The realisation didn’t hit me soon enough. When it did, it came like a wave of overwhelming anxiety that might just drown me.
Girls I knew from my school and university were getting hitched one after another, like a long queue to buy the winning lottery ticket — except that, not just one would be the lucky winner.
It wasn’t jealousy that made me feel this way; neither was it longing or wishful thinking. I was happy for them, but I also felt a little melancholy deep down.
I still can’t describe this feeling, a good three days after I first felt it. I thought of Thomas Hardy who said in Far from the Madding Crowd: “It is difficult for a woman to to define her feelings in language which is chiefly made by men to express theirs.”
Aah. Feminism. Need to get back to my essay on feminist psychoanalysis. I intend to choose a path, though not devoid of marriage, of my own making.
Untamed Reflections 