How to lose a grade in 5 easy steps

Step 1: Procrastinate. If the essay deadline is exactly 30 days from now, do not do anything for the first 20 days. During this period, you must also live in denial. You must pretend that the deadline is not real – go out, waste money on junk food, and have fun with friends.

Regularly check Facebook and Twitter, update your Instagram, and edit your ugly selfies to look like you’re casually visiting the Earth from heaven.

Optionally, you may also daydream about anything you like. This can range anything from you receiving your letter from Hogwarts or your crush saying ‘hello’ to you,although the former is more likely to happen.

Step 2: There are now 10 days left before your final submission, but do not worry because you still have plenty of time.

However, you should use this as an excuse to ignore your friends’ boring plans. Don’t want to go to Ibn Battuta Mall? Tell your friends you have an important essay coming up.

Not that you’ll actually be doing the essay, but you need some time not doing it before you begin.

Step 3: With one week left for the deadline, you must now sever all ties of friendship and kinship. You should befriend the library and for the first time log into Summon and wonder if you’ve already been on it before.

You should also Google important stuff, because let’s be real, you didn’t bother to read the books you borrowed. And if you tried, you fainted under the weight of their contents. But congratulations on the first line of your essay!

Step 4: 3 days left. At this point, you should be having a nervous breakdown; but coffee should help you. Also, by now you should have written some gibberish that makes sense to neither your tutor nor yourself.

Also, you should now sneakily watch a new TV series because this will help you block out all the important things you’ve been studying about.

Step 5: On the last day, you should just go over your essay and pretend you’ve written everything you should have.

This is also the day you turn religious because as human nature guides you, you only remember God when you are in trouble.

But the moment you click submit on Turnitin, don’t forget to say phew! Now, go back to procrastinating.

*Disclaimer: I am not responsible for any bad grades you might get following this advice.